Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Write On Wednesday--It Is Well With My Soul

Write On WednesdaysWrite On Wednesdays Exercise 16:
Hadge says: Take a favorite (or even random play) song and write the story behind the lyrics, not something inspired by the lyric, but the flesh on the bones of the story. It gives lots of scope for interpretative writing. Use the lyrics or theme of a song for a piece of flash fiction (50 to 200 words). To clarify, write your version of the story behind the lyrics in a song.

Gill, at InkPaperPen, I have to say, I almost just threw in the towel this week and said, "I don't know how to do this so I won't even try." This is my typical M.O. Sad to admit that. I am not someone who is overly involved with her music. I like, love or hate songs. I don't form relationships strong enough to write about them. However, at the final hour, a song spoke to me. I may not be totally on target for this meme, and I apologize. However, this is my heart, thrown out there so don't trample too hard. Thank you Misters Spafford and Bliss for penning and composing "It Is Well With My Soul"; you touch my heart, Daniel Martin Moore for your version heard on Parenthood last night and speaking to my soul.

When I regularly attended church, the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" was my favorite. I loved any song I could really belt out (and sound good doing it). I felt it was God's way of saying, "I'll make you good at this song because I want to hear your praise in this way." Selfishly self-centered I can be.

Six months ago, I felt like God slapped me in the face with so much force that it destroyed my love for Him for all time. At the same time frightened and angry, I wasn't sure what to do but just loathe and beg for forgiveness almost in the same breath. It is extremely hard to even write that because I am ashamed at the same time that I am angry and hurt.

Last month, when Sosie and AnnieMama lost their little sister Becky, the song was playing in the kitchen...them trying to decide to play it at her memorial or not. I had to leave, and all I could say as I retreated away from the beauty that hurt so much was, "IT IS NOT WELL WITH MY SOUL! NONE OF THIS IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!"

The Last Photo Ever Taken
of MyGayla and Me, February 2011
This crisis of faith, as my therapist calls it, is "normal" when grieving. It isn't normal for me because my faith has been the one constant my whole life. Prayer came to me more easily than walking. Why now, when I needed Him the most, did I suddenly decide He was not there. I was a fool for believing in my "imaginary friend God." I told myself all the things you can imagine including, "What kind of God based in Love and Compassion would take away such young, beautiful, loving women? How could He think that this world would be better unless they were in it? He must not really exist."

Probably because my injured foot kept me bed-bound yesterday, and I wasn't able to stay busy, my mind kept me firmly planted at the bottom of that dark hole, weeping and desperate to have my sister back. However, as I barely watched the Parenthood episode last night, the song jumped out at me again. Except this time, I didn't feel assaulted; I felt like I was hearing it for the first time. I felt relief for enough time to pray instead of cry. I prayed like my heart had to say it all before I could revert back to anger. Mostly, I felt peace. Whatever is my lot in this life, I found peace again. I still hurt. I still grieve. I still miss MyGayla. I always will. However, I will also move forward everyday until the day "my faith shall be sight." 

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul


  1. Thank you for an honest and heartfelt post. May peace be with you.

  2. You did a fantastic job with pouring your heart and soul into a song. Glad you have found peace. :)

  3. Such a lovely song, I'm glad it gives you some comfort.

  4. Very well said, J-me. I am sorry I never even considered how that song would affect you as we played it nonstop that weekend. I love you.

  5. It must have been hard for you to lose your sister and your faith at the same time! Cruel! I hope things are being restored and you find comfort in this song again. Thanks for Rewinding x