Friday, September 16, 2011

No One Will Ever Call Me "Mama"

I love that nephew
William smiles at me.
Do you have a social occasion where you almost always decline the invitation, where you feel out of place or sure that you might just wither and disappear? Mine are baby showers. I enjoy weddings, and I would be okay if I never had to go to another funeral or memorial service either. However, baby showers tear me up the most. I want to be happy for the expecting parents. I want to ooh and ah over all the little socks, onesies and giant diaper cakes. I want to gush with the same excitement Mommy-to-be feels as she smooths her rounded belly and lovingly talks about the dreams she has for her new little munchkin. I even ache when she complains about having to pee every five minutes or not being able to sleep through the night. I always send a gift (sometimes going overboard) but almost always decline to attend.

As much as I hate being dirty,
it makes me happy when
nephew JamesIII always
wants to play in the dirt.
I am always happy when a new soul is brought into this world to be loved and nurtured. The problem is that I am also jealous of missing out on this part of life...the expecting part, the dreaming part. Once they are here, I am okay. I mean it! I look forward to Sip and Sees because I can ooh and ahh over a little bit of God's joy. You put me around an already hatched homo sapien, and I am a cooing, coddling, spoiling-him-or-her Aunt J-Me. I'll play in the dirt, build a million lego houses, read the same book over and over, color every page in the coloring book, sit daintily for a tea party, sing every silly song, and make a few of them up too. I'll also teach the little dear to say funny things like, "Aunt Jaimee is the best!" and "Gig'm Aggies!" I am still working with JamesIII to hold up his muscles, kiss each bicep and say, "Look at my guns!"

Darby and I have
fun being buddies, and
I am looking forward
to following her around
to all her hockey events.
Also, I love being a mother for DarbyDoo! Don't misunderstand what I am saying. I would be nothing without that beautiful, smart, funny, sassy, growing-up-too-fast, teen of mine. She is my light and my hope for a better world. I have had a full life for the last five years mostly because she is in it. She is the center of our universe and always will be. I just hurt for the baby that is half Hubby Dearest and half me (he or she could have my eyes and his complexion). I lament that giving birth never will be. I don't think we could ever adopt either because I would want to take them all home! (BTW, that is the same reason MyChad says DarbyDoo and I cannot volunteer at the animal shelter either.)

You will never know the joy
I had in my heart when Rori's
mama Annie said I was these
little angels' Aunt J-Me from
now on!

So if you find out you are expecting, I do want to know. I will tell you how happy I am for you. I will most likely send you a gift if I am not broke from spending all my dinero on Darby, Chad and the nieces and nephews. I will spoil your little miracle once he or she is here. However, please don't be hurt or offended if I miss the shower or if I cry a little when I see you and all your pregger-ness. It's not that I don't want happiness for you and yours; it's that I just remembered there is a dream that I have had since I was a little girl that never will be. No one will ever call me "Mama."
Tinky is full of personality, and
I love her sassiness!
Mo has the most gentle heart,
and reminds me that love
is one of the easiest things
we do as family.


  1. I'm so sorry that you won't be able to experience the joy of being pregnant and having a baby. But never say you aren't a mother, never say you can't hear "Mama". Maybe Darby is a bit old for "Mama" but "Mom" still works and even if she doens't call you that, you are serving as a mother to her as well.

    I really liked this and the fact you are so open. All those kids who get you as Aunt J-Me are super lucky!

    visiting from Write on Edge

  2. This is so very open and honest, transparent and true.

    You *are* a mother, that I know for sure.

    You are also read, and heard, that I want you to know.

  3. My heart goes out to you.Lucky neices and nephews and blessed Darby.

  4. Oh, what a touching and honest post. I don't have kids, and I can certainly relate to the feeling that "no one will ever call me Mama." It breaks my heart sometimes to think of it...but you are being a mother in so many ways. Even to your nieces and nephews. When you play in the dirt with them and shower them with love, you're getting to enjoy one of the most precious gifts of a mother.

    Stopping by and following from WOE.