No One Will Ever Call Me "Mama"

I love that nephew
William smiles at me.

Do you have a social occasion where you almost always decline the invitation, where you feel out of place or sure that you might just wither and disappear? Mine are baby showers. I enjoy weddings, and I would be okay if I never had to go to another funeral or memorial service either. However, baby showers tear me up the most. I want to be happy for the expecting parents. I want to ooh and ah over all the little socks, onesies and giant diaper cakes. I want to gush with the same excitement Mommy-to-be feels as she smooths her rounded belly and lovingly talks about the dreams she has for her new little munchkin. I even ache when she complains about having to pee every five minutes or not being able to sleep through the night. I always send a gift (sometimes going overboard) but almost always decline to attend.

As much as I hate being dirty,
it makes me happy when
nephew JamesIII always
wants to play in the dirt.

I am always happy when a new soul is brought into this world to be loved and nurtured. The problem is that I am also jealous of missing out on this part of life...the expecting part, the dreaming part. Once they are here, I am okay. I mean it! I look forward to Sip and Sees because I can ooh and ahh over a little bit of God's joy. You put me around an already hatched homo sapien, and I am a cooing, coddling, spoiling-him-or-her Aunt J-Me. I'll play in the dirt, build a million lego houses, read the same book over and over, color every page in the coloring book, sit daintily for a tea party, sing every silly song, and make a few of them up too. I'll also teach the little dear to say funny things like, "Aunt Jaimee is the best!" and "Gig'm Aggies!" I am still working with JamesIII to hold up his muscles, kiss each bicep and say, "Look at my guns!"

Darby and I have
fun being buddies, and
I am looking forward
to following her around
to all her hockey events.

Also, I love being a mother for DarbyDoo! Don't misunderstand what I am saying. I would be nothing without that beautiful, smart, funny, sassy, growing-up-too-fast, teen of mine. She is my light and my hope for a better world. I have had a full life for the last five years mostly because she is in it. She is the center of our universe and always will be. I just hurt for the baby that is half Hubby Dearest and half me (he or she could have my eyes and his complexion). I lament that giving birth never will be. I don't think we could ever adopt either because I would want to take them all home! (BTW, that is the same reason MyChad says DarbyDoo and I cannot volunteer at the animal shelter either.)

You will never know the joy
I had in my heart when Rori's
mama Annie said I was these
little angels' Aunt J-Me from
now on!

So if you find out you are expecting, I do want to know. I will tell you how happy I am for you. I will most likely send you a gift if I am not broke from spending all my dinero on Darby, Chad and the nieces and nephews. I will spoil your little miracle once he or she is here. However, please don't be hurt or offended if I miss the shower or if I cry a little when I see you and all your pregger-ness. It's not that I don't want happiness for you and yours; it's that I just remembered there is a dream that I have had since I was a little girl that never will be. No one will ever call me "Mama."

Tinky is full of personality, and
I love her sassiness!

Mo has the most gentle heart,
and reminds me that love
is one of the easiest things
we do as family.