Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'm Not Very Good At Keeping Promises...

...especially in the five minutes it takes to fall asleep and especially when it comes to not beating myself up on the inside.

Self loathing is something everyone struggles with at some point or other. It's easier for me to love everyone else than myself...always has been. I do my most self damage from the moment I click off the lamp until my body takes mercy on my mind and drifts off to dreamland. Last night's inner dialog:

"Did you set the alarm for 6 so you would get up and walk? Look at it to be sure...lazy. You're never going to change anything, are you? You should get back up and put away the laundry that your husband washed for you. He also cooked your favorite dinner and took the girls to Hobby Lobby. When are you going to quit feeling sorry for yourself and get back into life? Your sister would be so disappointed in you. You always let everybody down..." ZZZZ

Sounds pretty bad when I write it all down. Sometimes it goes on so long and gets so ugly I start counting backwards from 100 by sevens to keep my hatefulness at bay. The only good news in this is that I HAVE stopped doing the same thing to my image in the morning...don't want to send me to work with a complex or anything. Geesh!

MySarah told me last week I have to find one thing I love about myself and focus on that. I have it picked but when there's so much more of me than that one thing, the balance is lost. FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS! Hocus Pocus! You've shed 30+ years of self-loathing and are self-loving! Ah to dream...

How to Stop Self Hatred:
1. Be aware of it (check).
2. Find out where the negative self-talk originated (we won't go here in a public forum, but, yes, I know where this began).
3. Acknowledge the pay-offs (makes it easier to explain the outside if I can break down the inside).
4. Take conscience steps to stop the negative talk (to be continued).

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