Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Hanging in my Gayla's guest room, is a water color of a bright yellow sunflower, framed with a burgundy mat. I painted this picture with love and pride because sister had asked me to create something for her new home. I asked her what she had in mind, but she only told me to paint what I wanted her to have. I wanted her to have all the happiness and sunshine in the world to fill her heart and her home. I wanted her to have joy and to have all her dreams of family and friends come true. I wanted her to have it all because she deserved so much more than life had dealt her so far in her young life.
Gayla was my sunshine and, in my eyes, could do no wrong. I knew she wasn't perfect but only saw those things in her that were. I would defend her against anyone who said or did anything to hurt my sweet sister in word or deed. I always felt like she deserved a better sister than me and felt like I was getting away with being mediocre because Gayla didn't see all my flaws and failures. In my mind, there was this one perfect sister to whom I was thrust upon, but she loved me anyway and was still my biggest fan. This had to mean, or so I thought, that I had hidden the broken and tarnished parts of me from her and spared her somehow.
It has been brought to my attention that I wasn't so good at keeping my flaws hidden from Gayla, and I was not getting away with being mediocre. However, I HAVE to choose to believe that she loved me inspite of or even because of those things in me that I hate and have worked my whole life to fix. I HAVE to take the same advice I gave Gayla not too long ago: "Sister, there is only you and me in this relationship. No one else factors in to how you and I are with each other. You should never listen to anyone who tries to speak for me as far as my feelings about you go." If I don't make these choices to see our life together this way, then I have to live the rest of my life thinking one of the people I loved most in this life for just being herself didn't love me just for being me. I would not survive a life like that.
Please note, this isn't a dramatic ploy seeking reassurance or back patting. This is me telling the world, I am how I will always be and have always been...completely imperfect. I don't want nor need to hear the negative things that anyone has ever said about me, whether that is my sister or the stranger on the corner. I say enough negative things to myself on a daily basis. However, I have promised my Mama, My Chad, and my SarahG that I will not do this anymore.
Photo source: http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p280/GrizzlyWill/Photography%20Stuff/Sunflower.jpg