Survivor's Guilt...

Gayla and the Gang at Dave Matthews Summer 2010

I spent an amazingly fun and love-filled day with my "Gang" Saturday. We had a cake tasting for the up-coming wedding, we drove all over creation looking for linen suits for the grooms, and we laughed to the point of tears on several occasions (Think Sling Blade sings Call Me Maybe and One Direction). It was the perfect day. So I chastise myself for spending the entire trip home feeling like my friends would prefer that Gayla were there instead of me.

It makes no sense if you break it down. My sister Gayla and I shared our beloved friends so much so that our family just thinks of them all as our brothers and sisters of the heart. There has been much said about how the family we choose is just as important as the family to which we are born. So why do I question my placement in this family? Why do I berate myself with the taunts of, "They wish it had been you"? Why does part of me believe the taunt while the other part of me yells, "THEY WISH IT HAD JUST NOT HAPPENED, YOU GOOB!"

I spent much of Sunday reading about grief and survivor guilt to try to make my whole self understand. Not that all apply to this particular situation and feeling I am having, but here are some of the most profound thoughts to stick with me:

• This Psychology Today article states, "Even though bereaved people share much common ground, every bereaved person is different, experiencing each death uniquely, grieving uniquely, struggling uniquely, coping uniquely, adjusting uniquely, and healing uniquely."
• Dr. Phyllis Silverman wrote, "We no longer think of grief as following a formula such as suggested by Kubler—Ross (On Death and Dying). I agree that grief doesn’t express itself in a step by step manner but it does unfold. It may look different for each of us depending on who died, our own experience with grief, and where we are in our own life cycle. ... we need to recognize that grieving is a complicated part of living that changes us and from which we do not 'recover' as from an illness."
• Kathleen Nader writes about survivor guilt following a tragedy and states when "good people die, survivors may reexamine their own goodness."

I think that last one hits the nail on the head. Gayla was everything good in a friendship. She was giving of her time, her patience, her understanding, and her heart. Sister was that friend who would be standing right by your side in all situations even if you weren't aware of it. Gayla put her friends first. She was fun at all times, always being ready for adventure. Gayla wanted what was best for you, and she went out of her way to make it possible if it were within her control. She was better at being a friend than I am so I guess my feelings of inadequacy are the culprit. Enemy number two is that I have no idea how to change this or how to emulate my beloved sister's ability in this arena.

Share with me how you are a friend. Teach me your secrets for being "good".

P.S. Sosie, no worrying about me or lecturing me. I know this is only in my perception and not reality. I love you.

UPDATED: Weight Watchers After Week Two...Perspective

This week was not as a successful as last. However, I did manage to lose one pound for a total of 7.4 in two weeks. I had only two sodas, which is better, and I tracked everything I ate, which is best. However, I only walked twice and didn't make it to yoga at all. I have given serious consideration to the personal training idea and am leaning more that way than I was last week. I am also looking into Lifetime Fitness because then I could have yoga every evening and Zumba too. Since it would be silly to tack on another goal when I didn't even achieve last week's, I am sticking with adding more activity this week.

 

Perspectives I reached this week:

• These photos don't show squat but my clothes are getting bigger so I must be getting smaller.
• To drink a 20 oz. soda, I would need to walk for an hour (6 POINTS).
• Because I wanted to eat fast food this week, I did a little research:

41 POINTS IN ONE MEAL IS EQUAL TO:

Almost an Entire Day's Food Allowance--PERSPECTIVE

Almost 7 hours of walking at a slow pace--PERSPECTIVE

Almost 5 hours of aerobics, jazzercise--PERSPECTIVE

A little less than 2 hours of Zumba--PERSPECTIVE

Almost 5 hours of hiking--PERSPECTIVE

Almost 7 hours of yoga--PERSPECTIVE

Thank goodness, I opted for the Spicy Chicken Caesar Salad from Wendy's--12 POINTS.

UPDATE: I may need to find a different WW meeting each week. I felt a little judged during today's discussion on SALADS. Rather than making the stink face because I enjoy the 12 point Wendy's salad or the 10 point McDonald's salad, let's give me a high five for not consuming a Baconator, Fries and a Cola (40 points) or Chicken Strips with gravy (92 points). THAT'S SOME FREAKING PERSPECTIVE, JUDGY HATERS! Gosh!

Yeah...I am THAT Gal...GO RED, WHITE AND BLUE!

USA! USA! USA!


Let's see, one of my favorite movies is Cutting Edge and another is Miracle and yet another is Cool Runnings. Are you sensing a theme? I typically root for the underdog, but, when given the opportunity, I go absolutely nutso for the STARS AND STRIPES, RED, WHITE, AND BLUE, UNCLE SAM, APPLE PIE, the whole nine yards (yes, I realize that only two of those movies are about team USA...did you see the part about under dog and you're just wrong if the late John Candy doesn't make you giggle).



Local Girly...Giving Her MUCH LOVE!


Much to my family's aggravation, this means I DVR Olympic events as if I am the sole source for documenting history. Too much hyperbole? Yeah, but you get my drift. I may shake my head in disgust and wonderment at the United States government at times and stamp my foot at the silliness that political machination brings out in everyone. However, when it comes to being a "team player" during the Olympics, I am all about American pride.



Growing up, Sister and I were all about the gymnastics. We both sported the Mary Lou Hair-Do...don't judge...we were CUTE as socks on a chicken. The grace and agility were talents we both coveted. My tastes have expanded with age. Volleyball, swimming, gymnastics...I get a wee bit bored by track but am in awe of the speed events. I was looking for movies to get me in the mood for some national pride...I think I shall try to watch them all. For whom are you rooting? Shout out your national pride below!


Olympic Themed Movies (Google "Movies about the Olympics")

• Chariots of Fire
• One Day in September
• Munich
• Miracle
• Cool Runnings
• Prefontaine
• Without Limits
• Cutting Edge
• International Velvet
• Personal Best

Making Sense of Senselessness...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

I wish I could remember what I was watching or reading when this profound nugget of wisdom entered my life. The man was saying that the only sin was stealing. If you murder someone, then you steal their life. If you lie to someone, then you steal their opportunity to know the truth. etc. etc. It broke my heart this morning when I heard about the thief that stole the lives and safety of the movie-goers in Aurora, Colorado. He stole their peace of mind and security in the simple summer pleasure of attending a movie without coming to harm. He stole this from the rest of us as well. My heart is full of sorrow, and I send up my prayers that God may deliver peace to the families and friends of those lost, injured, and forever shocked. We will likely never know the "why" but can focus our energy on those in need of our prayers.

Weight Watchers After 1 Week

UPDATE: If you want to keep track of what you eat and the activity in which you participate, then check out the LOSE IT app for smart phones. It's almost identical to the WW app.

My goals last week were to make sure I recorded everything I ate and to cut out sodas. I succeeded at the first plan but fell down a couple of times on the no soda (wasted six points a glass x 3). I'm proud to report week one was a losing week! I just weighed in and lost 6.4 pounds. This week I'm "Making my Move" and going to implement this week's lesson. Let's see 9 ways to get active...do what you like, pace yourself, set goals, ditch the all or nothing 'tude, don't go it alone, bring in a pro (?), make it easy (??), do different things, and keep track. Wish me luck!

UH, DID SHE REALLY SAY "YOU PEOPLE"?!?

Maybe it was because I grew up in the south. Maybe it was because myMama grew up in the south in the 60s. Maybe it is because some of us have better sense than what God gave a billy goat. Nevertheless, there are certain words and phrases that myMama FORBADE us from EVER saying no matter how old we got (you know what they are and I sure ain't repeating them!).


As I was entering adulthood in the early 90s, we added one to the list--"YOU PEOPLE". After old Ross Perot dropped that booger on the NAACP, it became universally known that this particular turn of phrase was prohibited as well. It implied a certain racial divide that bordered on flat out insult. I think it also screams, "I AM ABOVE YOU PEOPLE" and "My excrement smells of roses and sunshine." You would think that after that hub-bub in 1992 that political advisers would spend at least a week making potential public faces of your campaign memorize and avoid ever using these phrases. Guess Annie girl just skipped class that week.


When I read about Ann Romney dropping the "you people" bomb today, I thought, "Holy moly! Did she just say that!?! Maybe she was referring to the barrage of media hounding her as in, 'You people who make me miserable with all your bantering and questioning my family's immense resources.'" That's probably more like it...then I watched the video. Is she flustered? Was the talking over the interviewer and vice versa just too much and she flubbed? Is she really just that out of touch with Americans that she just let it slip what she really thinks of us? It is kinda humorous the things that the media choose to harp on each day. It's also pretty sad. What do you think?

J-Me and DD: Up All Night Concert Tour DVD Review

Well, this is what I get for being puny and sending the Girl Child to the store with Grandma and LaLa. They come home with the DVD concert tour for One Direction...joy! I do have to say this wonderful girl child of mine did turn me on to being a Beiber fan so I may like these little buggers too.

Poor Darling Daughter is so in crazy One Direction love that she tried everything and blew up a ton of minutes trying to win tickets when they were in Dallas a few weeks ago. Part of me felt badly for her and the larger portion was relieved she couldn't
get tickets so I didn't have to stress about her going to Fair park ... scary.

About five minutes into the DVD tonight, I realized Grandma did me a solid. Girl child gets to experience the concert, and we don't have to fight traffic, screaming teeny boppers nor $7.50 sodas. DD did tell me she could start screaming if it made me feel more like we were at a concert. Pass!

Just to prove we were cool like that. I insisted we give ourselves facials while watching. Come on...everyone needs beautiful skin to go along with their concert experience.

My review: Cute kids...solid talent...could have done without the nakey behind the scene shots. OOGY! I have to say it was super duper nice to sit next to a smiling and singing darling daughter for a couple of hours.

Darling Daughter's Review: On a scale of one to ten, INFINITY...don't judge; we attend public school.

Craftastic! Couple's Shower Invitations

Much to my future brother-in-law's chagrin, La-La (sister-in-law) has decided she wants a couple's shower. I tell you what, gentlemen! Don't fret...they usually aren't that bad. When you join in the fun, there are usually gifts for you too...GASP!

The invitations needed to be simple but elegant if I was going to be a happy hostess. At Michael's, I found a Sizzix Embossing Folder with curlie cues, four packages of coordinating paper flowers, glue dots called Zotts, and a block of fall colored stationary cards and envelopes...all for around $50 for 200 invitations. Luckily, we only need 100 of the little gems so I have extra card making booty! Yay, me!

Now, let me tell you what is what! If you have the original Sizzix (giant red block of hard plastic with a lever and a thin board), these new embossing folders won't work without some finagling. Luckily for me, I have a genius Hubby Dearest! After a fruitless but thorough search of the garage for wood to supplement the space needed to make the impression with the folder and my old lever-operated Sizzix, we opted for a stack of index cards. Southern Engineering wins again!

Not one of the invitations is the same aside from the wording (NOT an Aunt J-Me original...Darling Daughter googles well):

Here comes the bride, here comes the groom. Let's shower them with gifts from room to room!


DD cut out the card stock center information, and I embossed the 4x6 cards. Using the glue dots attach the two pieces and pick out your paper flowers. Pick an envelope and you're good to go. Easy peasy! Now I have time to focus on the food and flowers and games.

Yay me???

It's Closure If By Closure I Get to Leave a Crack in that Door Just in Case...

For more than a year, I have yearned to dream about my sister Gayla. I practice what I will say as I fall asleep each night. I beg and plead with God to let me dream of her. I have even had the idea to plan out my dream where she and I can be private eyes who solve crimes and fix situations like a cross between Rizolli and Isles and Quantum Leap. Once or twice it has happened (a dream, not the cheesy drama show dream), and yet it doesn't fulfill the need I feel. Something seems to distract me from telling Sister that I love her and miss her in each dream. [Don't judge me...I am not crazy...I am profoundly sad.]

My little family visited myMama and myDaddy this last weekend for Daddy's birthday. I seem to gain so much peace just from being in their home and being surrounded by family. Without going into too much detail, there was also some relief with my parents letting us know that the final details of the business of dieing is coming to an end. It will never bring my beloved sister back, but we can really in earnest start rebuilding our lives. As my Daddy said, "It's just the beginning of the next chapter."

On Saturday night, I fell into a deep slumber almost instantly because we had spent the day yard working, playing with the nephews and cooking a big birthday dinner. I can't remember doing my nightly ritual of begging and pleading because I fell asleep almost instantly.

I guess that is the key; don't ask and you will receive. I dreamed that I was sitting fully clothed in my parents' guest bathroom tub. As I was sitting there, the hand towel across the room started to float away as if being carried by some unseen person. I jumped up and chased the apparition into the next room yelling for it to please wait. When I caught up with the escaping hand towel, I threw my arms around the empty space and actually felt like I had caught something. Immediately, I began screaming at my caught ghost, "Please go find my sister Gayla and tell her that I love her and miss her so much!!! PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME!"

I felt the apparition enfold me in its embrace, and I heard as if she was right there talking into my ear, Gayla said, "I love you, my love. I love you too...so much." And POOF...I woke up. I would like to say I felt a profound peace, but all I felt was a stabbing migraine. It wasn't until I was telling Hubby Dearest about the dream later on that I realized I had felt much better all day even with the headache...emotionally better. So tonight, I go to sleep and don't ask for anything. I just thank Him for all I have.

Weight Watchers Round Four or is is Six or Seven?

What you eat in private shows up in public.



I tried not to look too miserable, but after
three shots and they all look horrible,
 I couldn't make myself smile.

It was both heartbreaking and a relief to confess to my Hubby Dearest that I have been sneak eating and overeating in order to fill a hole in my chest. Through sobbing tears, I told him of how making myself feel extra full makes me feel a little less empty inside. Then I admitted that it was probably that I make myself miserable physically to mask the misery I have on the inside.

The love of my life didn't flinch. He said, "Baby, it's okay. We will change this." Then I really started boo-hooing because I then had to tell him that this wasn't the worst of it. I confessed to embracing unhealthy habits from my youth that I'll leave to your imagination because Lord knows I am not putting an instruction manual to destruction out here. To his credit, HD did not waiver or become angry. He simply asked me what my plan was. My therapist asked me the same thing.

I have always hated the bathroom mirror
vanity shots, but this is the only way
to put myself out on front street.

So today for lunch, I attended my first (again) Weight Watchers meeting. In that meeting, even though I was feeling nervous and started having a panic attack with hot flashes for good measure, I heard the leader say, "What you eat in private shows up in public." Truth be known, the only person that I have been hiding from is myself. I doubt anyone who really knows me and loves me has missed the fact that I have spent the better part of the last six years growing and growing and growing, exponentially in just the last year alone. I can blame it on the disappointment of having the hysterectomy in 2007 and the heartbreak of losing my sister last year. I can even get away with blaming it on being depressed and fighting a thyroid issue. However, blaming and worrying are both like rocking chairs...they give you something to do but take you no where.


This week's goals: I will write ALL of my food and activity in the PointsPlusTracker they gave me. I will also cut out sodas.