Listography: What is your Prison?

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I am trying to get back on track since being ill. This week's listography is short and inspired by this picture I found on Tumblr. I live in fear...always have. It truly is a prison because it keeps me from doing anything outside of my comfort zone. Here are the 10 things I have feared throughout my life.

What is Your Prison?
10. Roller coasters (conquered in my 20s thanks to my sister-in-law)
  9. Heights (I continue to struggle but torment myself continually ie. Empire State Building and Statue of Liberty Crown--thanks go to my brother James)
  8. Inner Tube Riding behind a boat (conquered at 19 thanks to wanting to impress my now husband, then boyfriend)
  7. Guns (conquered in my 20s but still don't like them)
  6. Speeding Cars/Traffic
  5. Spiders (don't think I am missing out on anything here)
  4. Snakes (or here either)
  3. Ice Skating (I can do it but am a complete nervous wreck the entire time)
  2. Public Speaking (conquered when I became a teacher)
  1. Dieing (maybe they all can be summed up in this one; don't judge...even people who believe in heaven are afraid of dieing.)

No Family Night When The Mama is Ill...



I was captured by this photo...
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You know how we know the Mama is sick? She stays in her room, hiding under the covers. The woman who hates being alone suddenly doesn't want anyone around her germies. She doesn't eat or want to eat. She sleeps, which is not her style. She looks at the dishes piling up in the kitchen sink, shrugs and goes back to bed without so much as a pitiful, "Sure wish someone would clean my kitchen for me." When we do persuade her to join us for dinner, she stays wrapped in her blanket telling us all to stand back and she sends us "air hugs" and "virtual kisses."

I forced myself to come to work today in hopes of going home for my brother and nephew's birthdays this weekend. However, I may have over done it. Have a good weekend. I'll probably be hiding under those covers some more.

Big shout outs to Eric and Jeremy who have birthdays today and to Bubba and James III who will be having their birthdays tomorrow. I am sorry this bug is kicking my tail!

Thursdays are Happiness Reports October--Having More Energy

October is about having more Energy! And how do I start this wonderful, exciting and energetic month? Well, friends, I go in with a bang and bronchitis or just a severe cold. Blah! I kept with my plan of researching the first week and wanted to share with you some of the interesting things that caught my eye. For the next week I am going to drink only water and sleep no fewer than 8 hours each night. I am going to start going to the gym but may not make it every day...that's for the next week. As for adding Zumba to my repetoir, the only day it is offered is Thursday nights (Family Night) or when I am supposed to be at work. Boo! Also yoga doesn't start till November. I am so far not digging my choices with the rec center. I will find a way though...anyone have a zumba video they can recommend? I already have pilates and yoga DVDs.

 

Interesting Have-More-Energy Tidbits:

• HYDRATE--Dr. Dave Grotto, R.D., a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association in Chicago, told WEBMD that women who complain about always being tired are probably dehydrated. Have you had your 8 glasses today?
• GET NUTTY--Instead of snacking on carb-y foods, eat nuts that digest more slowly, says Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, M.D on WEBMD.
• STAY ON A SCHEDULE--If you're sleeping in on the weekends, you're probably throwing your body's schedule a curve ball. It actually makes you feel more tired during the week and can make you feel draggy.
• GET EXCITED-- Funnily enough, having something you are looking forward to gives you energy. I totally see this when Friday rolls around and Hubby Dearest and Darling Daughter suddenly have all this energy to play, skate and fish.
• EMOTE--Trying to hold in or tamp down negative emotions depletes your energy. You need to give yourself permission to feel and then release, Dr. Christine Northrup told Parade Magazine Online.
• EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT--Almost every site out there says this is very important. We need to eat five or six small meals each day to keep our blood sugar levels pretty even. Spikes make you hyper; drops make you sluggy.
• 30 MINUTES EVERY DAY--Also a pretty common concept is activity. We need at least 30 minutes of physical activity every day. That includes the weekends!
• SLEEP--I have heard it go back and forth so much that there is no telling what is the best method. I am going to go with at least 8 hours. Regardless, you have to sleep in order for your body to heal.

Thank you for continuing to support this little bit of crazy each day! Visit my blog each Thursday to see how My Happiness Project is going! Here's the plan by month so far:

 

• August--being organized
• September--eating healthier
• October--having energy
• November--being thankful
• December--focusing on family and friends
• January--focusing on marriage
• February--focusing on parenting
• March--being creative
• April--being helpful
• May--working smarter
• June--being adventurous
• July--loving Jaimee

Write on Wednesday--Choose Your Own Adventure

Gill at INKPAPERPEN is letting us choose from a previous prompt...I was stuck between "88-Two Fat Ladies" and "I remember" since I hadn't found the WOW group at that time. I chose a version of the ladies. Because I use a Kindle to store my library now, I don't really have an 8th book on the shelf. I chose the eighth "clipping" from the various books I have been reading for the last year. It was a little unsettling to see the prose that fate chose for me to write about. It took me from Sunday until today to eek this out, and even now, I am not sure I should publish this. I will tell you here that it is graphic with some details of my sister's passing. Proceed with caution.


Write On Wednesdays Exercise 17: This week, we are going with Karen's idea for an open choice week. So take a look at the old writing exercises (you can find them listed in Gill's sidebar: WoW Writing Exercises), find one you'd like to try (or retry!) and link it up to the linky on her page. Short and simple instructions this week. If time is an issue perhaps you would like to try one of the 5 minute stream of consciousness exercises.


"Sudden deaths rob us of the chance to offer comfort to our siblings in their final moments of life, to tell our siblings all of those things that lie deep within our souls, leaving us with words forever left unsaid." TJ Wray in Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies

Me and Gayla, 2010

One of the heaviest weights my family and I have felt about sister's death is that not one of us was with her. Horrible sights unseen but imagined have plagued my mind's eye as it actively tortures me with flashes of what it thinks happened.


March 19, 2011 was a beautiful, sunny Saturday. I can imagine sister was dressed in comfy clothes and sandals since she was going for a pedicure. Having the same car as my older sister, I can see her behind the wheel and all the controls around her. Patiently, she waited in that bottle-necked traffic, waiting her turn to merge onto the highway. I worry about how she felt. Was she excited about our nephew to be born any minute? Was she lonely that everyone was busy or out of town and she would spend the day on her own? Was she just happy to not be traveling for work and to have a day of relaxation?


Then my questions become anxious. What did sister see in her rear view mirror that caused her car to veer to the right and not hit the cars in front of her? Had she seen the two little kiddos in the car in front of her and thought to brace for the impact and save them from harm? Did she feel it when her neck broke from the impact of the tractor trailer behind her?

Gayla and Me, 2011

About a month or two after sister's death, a letter arrived from a witness, the mother of those two children, who used her training as a nurse to attempt to save ourGayla. She wrote of how she and one other tried to breathe for sister until the realization that they could only pray over her hit them. This stranger's words were of some comfort to me because it let me know our girl did not die alone or uncared for. However, I still grieve for not being there to hold her hand.


I suppose I owe my parents a great deal of gratitude for raising the three of us to love each other openly and to always share our feelings with each other. Some of the only comfort I have now is knowing that myGayla knew I loved her with tremendous, over-flowing affection. She knew she was my best friend. Sister knew that she was my hero and that I knew how lucky I was to have her. Gayla knew she was loved abundantly. Unfortunately, I hurt to also know that she knew I was not going to be strong enough to bare this loss without great struggle. I fear she sees how weak I am and the ugly, sad feelings I hold in my heart for this horrible tragedy. I worry that I disappoint her. I worry that I disappointed her in life. I hate that I will never get to grow old with her as we had planned.


I do feel like we were robbed, that something very precious has been stolen from us all and from this world. Even with the knowledge that Sister knew my heart and soul with regards to her, there are still so many things I want to tell her. I used to text her cell phone when the need to tell her something was overwhelming. Then her number was recycled so that ended. I occasionally post to her FaceBook but feel silly once it is there so that will probably stop too. How do I let her know she was one of the greatest people I have ever known? How do I make sure her heart and capacity to love is never forgotten?

Try Something New Tuesdays:Great! Now I am Worried about being a Worrier!

NEW BOOK (NOT FINISHED/PROBABLY WON'T FINISH)
The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You by Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D.

I heard once when I was younger, "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but takes you no where."  Having scored a "perfect" 80 on the Penn State Worry Questionnaire, I wasn't too surprised to see that my overall score on the Worry Domains Questionnaire was a 66 (people with Generalized Anxiety Disorder score around 40). I was only somewhat worrisome in my Work, Future and Close Relationships. However, I was an off-the-charts worrier with Lack of Confidence and Finances. Metacognitively, it does seem that my "Positive Worry Beliefs" are within healthy ranges, but that is probably negated with the fact that my "Uncontrollability and Danger" and "Cognitive Self-Consciousness" Worry Beliefs are once again above the norm.

At that point I gave up taking the book's quizzes because it was depressing and worrisome. Ha! The book about stopping my worry only added to my anxiety. That figures. I choose not to worry. As if she knew I needed a last thought, MyBeckyFriend called from Queen City just now and reminded me of my camp name, Dory. I was given this name for my "Just Keep Swimming" way of keep on keeping on. Worry will have no place for me as long as I keep getting up every morning, going to work, taking care of my family and friends and moving forward with my life. I have to just keep swimming. Besides, I think I am allergic to self-help books!

NEW GUILTY PLEASURE--FOOD CATEGORY
Poutine--brown gravy over cheese curds (except we used mozzarella pearls) and french fries...O!M!G! I am glad we had company and had to share this little delight with everyone who was visiting, or I would have made a deep fried mess of myself! Two thumbs up! Ten stars! Fan-freaking-tastic! MyChad says they are even better bought in a paper bag from a road-side stand on a freezing cold day in Canada. Er...pass! He must have lost his dang mind if he thinks this germ-phobic chica is voluntarily choosing to eat from a roach coach. GAG!

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NEW GIFT IDEA--CHILDREN'S CATEGORY
Have you seen the Hallmark commercial with the recordable books? Well, they sucked me in, and I am super ecstatic that they did. I purchased one for the nephews this weekend and sweet-talked not only Hubby Dearest and Darling Daughter into recording a page but also Memaw and Papa! The recordings are super duper easy and once you have the book the way you want it, you open the battery case and slide the switch to lock. This keeps little fingers from accidentally re-recording over your lovely voice. I only wish we had one more person's beautiful voice to add to this treasure. You may think it's a little steep to pay $30 for a children's board book, but once the voices are recorded to each page, the book becomes a priceless treasure! I cannot wait to give it to the boys!

Listography--List of Things Men Never/Can Say to Their Mates

Well, since last week was an ode to Mama, I thought today would be for Daddy. I am pushing that to next week so I can help my brothers out. Men, there are certain things that you never ever make comment on unless you are reassuring your Woman that her self critique is not nearly as bad as she is lamenting.



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Top 10 Things to NEVER EVER NEVER Make Comment On:
10. Comparisons to her mother (disparaging or otherwise)
  9. Comparisons to your mother/ex girl friends/wives (favorable or otherwise)
  8. Compaisons to her physically from the beginning of your relationship
  7. Comparisons to her mentally or emotionally from the beginning of your relationship
  6. Questions of her emotional state being tied to her menses
  5. Facial or body hair, odors or functions of any kind
  4. Fights that were had at any time in the past
  3. Negative Descriptors that could be misconstrued as "name calling"
  2. Housekeeping or Cooking that has gone awry
  1. Intamacy that was not up to your standards



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And so that I let you know how you can survive, here are 10 Things You Can Say:

10. Thank you for being so thoughtful.
  9. I can't think of anyone who I would rather spend time with.
  8. I really enjoyed the (insert name of favorite meal) you made that time. Let's have that tomorrow.
  7. I am thinking of going to the gym/going for a walk/etc. Would you mind coming with me so you can keep me company.
  6. I have really been craving my mom's (insert name of favorite meal). I got the recipe from her. Would you help me make it?
  5. You seem a little stressed. What can I do to help?
  4. We haven't spent enough time together this week. Let's do something fun together tonight.
  3. I just really want to hug you right now.
  2. Let's eat out tonight. I was craving _________ anyway.
  1. I love you.

Here's to hoping you make it!

Family Night--PPPPBBBLLLLTTTTT! We'll Try Again Tonight...

Well, man's greatest plans are God's greatest follies once again. There's nothing like a home improvement project to highjack family night. It was my choice so I planned a low key night of trying out Papa Murphy's Pizza and a card game or dominoes. PPPBBBLLLTTT! (I seem to have made lots of zerberts this week...am I reverting back to being a toddler when my plans go awry?) The pizza we did. However, with power tools about and progress being made on his dreams of repairing the long-overdue siding issues, Hubby Dearest was on his own mission.

Let's start with Papa Murphy. When you walk in their door, it's like going to QuickTrip. "Hello! Welcome to Papa's!" he says enthusiastically like I am the only customer that has been in that day. I look around in anticipation of having a take-n-bake-n-save pizza of my choosing. There's nothing fancy about the pizzas in general. You have three sizes, medium, large and family. You have all the usual toppings and the choice of hand-tossed, extra thin, or stuffed. They have the requisite specials that no one takes advantage of because it is for some specialty pizza with sausage and olives...gag!

If it seems I am being a negative nancy about this, I am. It says on their wall, "Take, Bake and Save." I figure with removing the convenience of a delivery and then having to cook the pies myself, it would cut the price in half since that is half the point of ordering a pizza in the first place. I spent the same amount of money for two pizzas and a two liter of soda as I would have by calling Pizza Hut and not having to do any of the work. THAT IS ONLY BECAUSE PAPA KNOCKED $2 OFF EACH PIZZA FOR ME BEING A NEWBIE! RIP. OFF.

I arrived home with my gold-embedded (NOT REALLY) pizza pies and hubby and Darling Daughter were excited to try something new. After I told him there was no difference in price, MyChad was less than enthusiastic. However, there was still hope that these would be the best tasting circles of goodness we'd ever had. Eh...not so much. Now we have to throw on there that they really didn't taste that spectacular, and we'll just keep it PG today and say we won't be a return customer.

As for the games, Darby and I watched our recorded shows while Chad jacked around with a stalled power washer. When he finally gave up and came in, I heard thunder. The three of us dashed back out to bring in the tools that didn't need to get wet and cover anything too big or stinky to be stored in the house.

We enjoyed standing in the back yard watching the lightening (we are such GOOD parents) and will shoot to play dominoes with Granny and Papa who will be here this afternoon. We are excited to have my parents for the weekend! Darby starts hockey practice tonight and Sosie's shower is tomorrow. I think there is a surprise in there somewhere too, but I'll never tell.

What would your ideal family night be like?

Thursdays are Happiness Reports--September Healthy Eating

BBBBPPPPLLLLTTTTT!!!!! Well, September started with a bang and whoopee!! However, it ends with a fizzle and hope that we have at least learned that making a food plan makes it somewhat easier to not hit the drive through so much. The lesson we learned this month: MAKE A PLAN BUT BE FLEXIBLE WITH CHANGES.

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October is about having more Energy! Let's see what I come up with for that. The calendar I made up a few months ago says, "Research Relaxation and Engery, Sleep at least 7 hours a night, work out at least five days a week, and add yoga and Zumba to your regime." There's the plan!

I wish I could report great joy and happiness, but it isn't going to happen today. I finally have a dream about Gayla and am geared up for the great peace that it is supposed to bring me and my subconscience has her start screaming at me. I am going to research whatever makes me just not dream! Blah!

Thank you for continuing to support this little bit of crazy each day! Visit my blog each Thursday to see how My Happiness Project is going! Here's the plan by month so far:

• August--being organized
• September--eating healthier
• October--having energy
• November--being thankful
• December--focusing on family and friends
• January--focusing on marriage
• February--focusing on parenting
• March--being creative
• April--being helpful
• May--working smarter
• June--being adventurous
• July--loving Jaimee

Crazy Bear Toy I Bought for My Nephew

Happy 3rd Birthday, JamesIII! Aunt J-Me loves you 

and cannot wait to share this craziness with you!

Write On Wednesday--It Is Well With My Soul

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 16:

Hadge says: Take a favorite (or even random play) song and write the story behind the lyrics, not something inspired by the lyric, but the flesh on the bones of the story. It gives lots of scope for interpretative writing. Use the lyrics or theme of a song for a piece of flash fiction (50 to 200 words). To clarify, write your version of the story behind the lyrics in a song.

Gill, at InkPaperPen, I have to say, I almost just threw in the towel this week and said, "I don't know how to do this so I won't even try." This is my typical M.O. Sad to admit that. I am not someone who is overly involved with her music. I like, love or hate songs. I don't form relationships strong enough to write about them. However, at the final hour, a song spoke to me. I may not be totally on target for this meme, and I apologize. However, this is my heart, thrown out there so don't trample too hard. Thank you Misters Spafford and Bliss for penning and composing "It Is Well With My Soul"; you touch my heart, Daniel Martin Moore for your version heard on Parenthood last night and speaking to my soul.


When I regularly attended church, the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" was my favorite. I loved any song I could really belt out (and sound good doing it). I felt it was God's way of saying, "I'll make you good at this song because I want to hear your praise in this way." Selfishly self-centered I can be.





Six months ago, I felt like God slapped me in the face with so much force that it destroyed my love for Him for all time. At the same time frightened and angry, I wasn't sure what to do but just loathe and beg for forgiveness almost in the same breath. It is extremely hard to even write that because I am ashamed at the same time that I am angry and hurt.


Last month, when Sosie and AnnieMama lost their little sister Becky, the song was playing in the kitchen...them trying to decide to play it at her memorial or not. I had to leave, and all I could say as I retreated away from the beauty that hurt so much was, "IT IS NOT WELL WITH MY SOUL! NONE OF THIS IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!"

The Last Photo Ever Taken
of MyGayla and Me, February 2011

This crisis of faith, as my therapist calls it, is "normal" when grieving. It isn't normal for me because my faith has been the one constant my whole life. Prayer came to me more easily than walking. Why now, when I needed Him the most, did I suddenly decide He was not there. I was a fool for believing in my "imaginary friend God." I told myself all the things you can imagine including, "What kind of God based in Love and Compassion would take away such young, beautiful, loving women? How could He think that this world would be better unless they were in it? He must not really exist."


Probably because my injured foot kept me bed-bound yesterday, and I wasn't able to stay busy, my mind kept me firmly planted at the bottom of that dark hole, weeping and desperate to have my sister back. However, as I barely watched the Parenthood episode last night, the song jumped out at me again. Except this time, I didn't feel assaulted; I felt like I was hearing it for the first time. I felt relief for enough time to pray instead of cry. I prayed like my heart had to say it all before I could revert back to anger. Mostly, I felt peace. Whatever is my lot in this life, I found peace again. I still hurt. I still grieve. I still miss MyGayla. I always will. However, I will also move forward everyday until the day "my faith shall be sight." 




It Is Well With My Soul


When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
...
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul