Book Review...from 1963! The American Girl Book of Teen-Age Questions

Growing up, I always wanted to be more like my sister Gayla. She was thin and beautiful. Everyone seemed to really appreciate her shy and gentle nature. I was loud and clumsy and have always had issues with my weight (and my mouth). It wasn't until we were grown women that Gayla told me she had always envied my ability to make friends and put myself out there and that I loved to learn and read. I wish our self images had been at the forefront of society's watch-glass back in the 70's and 80's. Sister and I could have worked together to boost each other rather than secretly envy each other. We could have done as we did in her last years and built each other up and refused to let anyone mistreat or tear us down.

Since becoming a mother of a daughter in 2007, I have worried and fretted every day over the self-esteem of my Darling Daughter. Having come to her party when she was ten, I worried about ME being in charge of her teen years. My hubby dearest pointed out to me early on that the best way to do this was to love myself and let her see what a healthy self esteem looked like. I am still working on that, and DD helps to remind me whenever I venture off the approved path.

When I stumbled upon this little treasure in the infirmary of Camp High Point, I thought for sure it would give some laugh-out-loud humorous responses since it was Copyrighted 1963 and all. I was pleasantly surprised that the advice the American Girl Magazine provided was pretty spot-on for maintaining healthy self-esteems of the young women of the time (and for that matter for today).

I wish I had made notes on the book to include in this post. I wish that the Girl Scouts still produced a magazine for the girls (1917 to 1979 American Girl Magazine, not to be confused with the popular dolls of today). In my quest to find out what the Girl Scouts have going on for self-esteem now-a-days, I found the following program where GSUSA and Dove have partnered to bring self-esteem to our girls. You don't have to be a Girl Scout or even involved in the Girl Scouting to take part. If you work with girls (heck some of our boys could use some self-esteem as well!).

Please check out the facilitator information at http://www.girlscouts.org/uniquelyme/uniquely_me_guide_for_facilitators.asp.

See Dove's page at http://www.dove.us/Social-Mission/Self-Esteem-Toolkit-And-Resources/default.aspx.

UNIQUELY ME! TIPS FOR BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM

1. Celebrate you!
   Reward yourself when you have accomplished something! You don't need to wait for others to recognize what you've done.


2. Surround yourself with positive people.
   Spend time with people who are upbeat and feel good about themselves. They, in turn, will put a smile on your face and help you feel good about yourself.


3. Challenge yourself to try new things.
   Try a ropes course, learn some new dance steps, speak in front of a large group. Stepping outside of your comfort zone to try new things is a great way to grow.


4. Be good to your body.
   Exercising, eating well, and getting plenty of sleep will help you move toward a healthier you—inside and out!


5. Find and express the real you.
   No other person has the unique combination of qualities that you have! Be proud of yourself and be courageous enough to express your true feelings.


6. Have a positive mental attitude.
   A positive attitude is contagious! You'll feel good and people will want to hang out with you.


7. Learn from your experiences.
   Learn from your actions—both good and bad, and use the knowledge you gain to make positive decisions in the future.


8. Find the humor in everyday life.
   When you can see the funny side of things, you'll be less stressed and more likely to handle tough situations better.

Homophobic Bullying Comes Home

Hubby Dearest and I question ourselves as parents on most days, and we all know I probably have the most anxiety about it. However, in one area in particular, we are proud of our efforts. Our Darling Daughter is NOT a bully. She knows that there is a zero tolerance for meanness in our house.

My zero tolerance rule got bent yesterday, though, because my teary-eyed beauty begged me NOT to call the parents of the two teens who were harassing my girl in class. Instead, I had to resort to violently cleaning our living room to assuage my anger and frustration. I did however take breaks long enough to come tell DD about my latest witty comeback for her to use "next time." It was tough; how do you come back from a snide comment and your wit does not stoop to their insulting level? What can you say to a bully that maintains your cool points and yet puts them in their place without invoking violence or being disrespectful to others?

This past weekend, Darling Daughter finally got her year-long wish; I took her to get her hair cut and she could have it as short as she wanted. Having had short hair for almost 20 years, I know the upkeep, the upsides and the downsides to having a short do. We had discussed it till it was glue, so to speak. DD did it, and I was both completely thrilled it turned out so flippin' cute and completely jealous that she was instantly the cutest short pixie cut I had ever seen. She's a classic beauty so I should have known she would pull off the pixie perfectly.

Nevertheless, the hair was definitely the main attraction for the weekend. Complements were pouring in from friends, family and, to her father and my dismay, handfuls of male teens. I have definitely stepped up my search for the perfect metal baseball bat :-). As DD has told me that as the mama my opinion doesn't matter a hill of beans, the big test,  would be DD's first day back at school.

I was shopping for cleaning supplies for the big spring clean when hubby dearest sent me the text that the school had called. DD had left her science class crying because a boy asked her if she was "going lezbo on us." ANGER bubbled up so fast in me that I might have let one of the big dirty words fly. I called DD to check on her. After telling her that the school had called, she said, "I did NOT leave class crying; I wouldn't cry over C0##!%. He's just mean!" Whew! I told her I would be home soon and that I was proud of her. DD's teacher seemed relieved as well when I told her that DD was okay and not weeping in the least. It turns out there was a girl whom DD had thought was her friend who started it with comments about CANCER and HOMOSEXUALITY. The boy, whom had been a friend as well, joined in too. Haters gotta hate, I guess. DD did tell me that they were the only negatives in a multitude of positive support from classmates. She only cried when she was afraid I would cause problems by contacting the kids' parents.

Like I said earlier, I spent the whole evening and most of last night thinking. Probably over-thinking. In addition to witty comebacks like, "No, but I might be able introduce you to someone if you're interested" and "Even if I were, I wouldn't be interested in you because you are a shallow bigot," I really thought about homophobia among teens. We have always told DD that whoever she falls in love with, it needs to be a connection of the mind and heart; gender does not matter as long as she is loved and respected.

I wasn't surprised by the research I found on the subject of homophobic bullying but was no less appalled. According to a 2009 study by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, "Texas schools were not safe for many lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) secondary school students. In addition, many LGBT students in Texas did not have access to important school resources, such as Gay-Straight Alliances, and were not protected by comprehensive bullying/harassment school policies." 

The reports also listed the following disturbing facts in its findings:

• Nearly all students heard "gay" used in a negative way ("that’s so gay") and about 9 in 10 heard other homophobic remarks ("fag" or "dyke") regularly at school.
• The majority of students experienced verbal harassment (called names or threatened): just under 9 in 10 because of their sexual orientation and nearly 2 in 3 because of the way they expressed their gender.
• Many also experienced physical harassment and physical assault: about 3 in 10 were physically harassed (pushed or shoved) because of the way they expressed their gender and nearly 1 in 4 was physically assaulted (punched, kicked or injured with a weapon) because of their sexual orientation.

A majority of students never reported this abuse either. In fact DD probably would not have told on her fellow classmates. Two brave girls who witnessed her harassment DID report it though, and for them I am thankful. Because of their concern, the teacher was able to address it, I was able to talk to our darling girl child, and we are all now very aware of some on-going teen ugliness in that class.

I have agreed not to get involved at this time because DD wants to handle this her way. She forgives and moves on much more easily than I do. I learn from her every day in every way about dignity and grace. If there is a "next time," I am in, it is on, gang way and all that other pump-you-up crap. I have a theme song playing in my head and Rockey doesn't hold a candle to this mama bear on a rampage!
 

To Mother or Not To Mother...THERE IS NO QUESTION!

In the past four days, I have had a ton of questions about death, grief and the meaning of life. I have questioned every word spoken to my Darling Daughter about the death of her classmate and friend. I have prayed that I am saying and doing everything in my power to support this young woman in an extremely difficult time. However, never once was it even a question in my mind whether I would be DD's constant companion in this event. I was going to be her shadow and go and do whatever she needed me to go and do.

You can imagine my distress and complete bafflement yesterday at the funeral service when it dawned on me that out of the hundred or so teens present that there were only a handful of parents there to support their children; even the teachers and administrators sat with their peers. My heart broke for the little girl wiping her tears on her jacket because she had no tissue (I gave her some of ours). I wanted to gather all of the weeping babies masquerading as adults for comfort. I wanted to take each of them home and give their absent parents a piece of my mind along with a good flogging.

DD didn't ask me to be there for her. It was just always how it was going to be. There was no question in her mind that her J-Me would be her rock always. Our communication was mainly about how she wanted to show her respect for her dear friend. Prior to our arrival I had already found out from DD that she was not up for viewing her friend's body. I knew that she wanted to sit with me and not her other classmates. She knew that I would not leave her side. We had gone into this endeavor as a team. I am not some saint parent! I am not even a perfect parent. However, I knew that my place was there mothering my girl!

Teens are closer to adulthood than childhood. I get that. However, according to HospiceNet.org, "At the same time the bereaved teen is confronted by the death of someone loved, he or she also faces psychological, physiological and academic pressures. While teens may begin to look like 'men' or 'women', they will still need consistent and compassionate support as they do the work of mourning, because physical development does not always equal emotional maturity." This was in evidence by the hysterical crying of many of DD's classmates and buzzy bee-ing from pew to pew prior to the service beginning.

I am always surprised by the lack of parenting I perceive in our particular community. It's as if affluence gives these people some get-out-of-parenting-free card. Of course they think I am over-the-top-s-mothering DD. To double check myself, I went online to research when, as a parent, you are crossing the line of mothering to smothering when it comes to grief and dying because obviously I don't still tie girl child's shoes for her (BTW--kidshealth.org has one of the best articles for teens to read when they are experiencing a loss).

The National Association of School Psychologists has an amazing guide for teachers and parents that talks about support of children in their grieving and groups it by age. For teens, they state:

Children need reassurance from caregivers and teachers that their own families are safe. For children who have experienced their own loss (previous death of a parent, grandparent, sibling), observing the grief of a friend can bring back painful memories. These children are at greater risk for developing more serious stress reactions and should be given extra support as needed.

RockerChick and Darling Daughter, vacation 2010

DD and I were blessed to go into this as a team. We were doubly blessed because DD's best sister-friend, RockerChick, and her mother, DesignerMom, joined our team to support both of us. In a time where neither of our girls would ever admit to needing their mothers, yesterday was one of those steps to becoming adult friends with our children. If DesignerMom or I had let our young women go it alone, we would have missed the opportunity to show them through our own actions how to pay your respects and care for each other. I know for a fact that the parents who missed this teachable moment should always regret not being a participant in a very formative moment in their childrens' lives.

Write on Wednesdays--Facebook Status

I came upon a treasure of writing prompts! SCORE! Check out inkpaperpen and her "Write on Wednesdays". This week's writing prompt was to go to your preferred social media and find the first status post you came across. Then you write for five minutes about what that status jogged loose in your head.


"Why don't we pick up the phone?"


That status hit me up all sides and down another. In this world of technology-on-every-corner, we don't pick up our telephones and TALK to people. We text, we inbox and message, we chat. The only plus is that we are getting into video conferencing and skyping. When the telephone was invented, did people complain that visiting was becoming obsolete? Or was that natural progression that we didn't write letters anymore? Nevertheless, in this world of constant contact, are we really communicating?


You know how I know what is going on with my 14-year-old? I read her blog because her standard answer to an actual conversation is "I don't know" or worse, a blank stare/glare. Do you know how my mother knows what is going on with me? She reads my blog or my facebook status. PA-THE-TIC!


I will say this for technologically communicating. Since MyGayla and I mainly communicated through texts each day, I have from September 2010 until March 2011 of conversations saved. In the beginning of this nightmare, I would read her words every day. I had to limit myself to once every couple of weeks eventually because I would let them suck me in and hold my attention for hours, essentially reliving those months and forgetting to live in the present. Since hearing of several friends' phones needing to be re-set to factory settings, I am trying to record all the messages into my written journal should my phone take a dive. Nevertheless, I would give my left hand (I am a southpaw) to hear Sister's beautiful voice again. To visit with her face-to-face. To wrap my arms around her neck and hold on tight.